#26: what the hell happened to you anyway? you look like 40 miles of rough road.
I had a conversation the other day with a friend in which we discussed the perceived privilege and “irresponsibility” of turning away from the news, as an attempt to shield oneself from overwhelming dread. It was a discussion I’d also had a few weeks prior in therapy, my first session of the year which meant it was rife with the usual Q1 anxiety about the passing of time, the horror of the world, the lack of control I feel over anything, everything. To her credit, my therapist didn’t exactly co-sign this action but she did advise that it’s sort of inevitable I’d feel that way; the existential crisis of being alive in the modern world isn’t (amazingly) my own unique problem, but something that affects everyone at some stage: it’s part of the human condition, a knock-on effect of being bombarded by current affairs in one way or another, 24/7, from all angles. I cannot recall what phrasing she actually used, but she explained that such selectivity is self-preservation in a way; privileged, yes, but how else can we learn to look after ourselves or others if we can’t at times take a step back, shut everything off, and breathe. She used one of my most-hated metaphors, about securing your own oxygen mask before assisting anyone else and as much as that specific analogy drives me insane, it does make sense (extremity aside). How will I be able to negotiate anything if I’ve become overwhelmed by everything.
I am- by the way- not very good at practicing what I am preaching above which is why I think I’m drawing attention to it. I doom scroll from the second I wake; I actively avoid taking time off work because- unless I have something to occupy my time, activity-wise- I know that I am going to sit and stew, and worry, and feel like everything is a waste, pointless in the grand scheme of things. I am attempting to reframe this, place less value in believing that my time is ineffectively being used and more time to understand that my brain needs a break and space to relax, regroup, recover.
(This month I have listening to 36 podcasts, watched 26 episodes of television, 12 films and listened to music by 157 different artists)
(Belated) Five for February 2025:
Film:
Cheating here, really, if only to reference a trio of long-overdue "wow you really hadn't seen that??" first watches I managed to fit in over the course of a week at the start of this month.
Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai directed by Jim Jarmusch (a film that has been on my watchlist since time immemorial; I always take great pleasure in Jarmusch's work and this is a real doozy; in awe of Whitaker's performance, the way he does so much while saying very little); Eraserhead, David Lynch's first feature (just incredible to see the origins of so many Lynch motifs and bathe in how fucking weird it is. Literal nightmare fuel- gave me the most chilling, anxiety-inducing dreams I’d had in months) and Wim Wenders' Paris, Texas (Wenders' to me is a quiet, thoughtful, soulful filmmaker and this feels like a beautiful example of how he can capture high emotion and inner turmoil within barren and urban landscapes. Every scene within the desert is just ???-level gorgeous, contrasted masterfully with the coloured neon of Americana and those mirror-shots. Harry Dean Stanton, very hot here!!
TV:
I missed it upon initial release but I watched Brit Marling’s A Murder at the End of the World over the stretch of a week off; Emma Corrin (an actor I had to this point not really thought about once) does a very good job of playing a gen-z true-crime obsessed writer and amateur detective; Clive Owen chews the scenery as a billionaire tech bro obsessed with prolonging life in the face of presumed global collapse; Harris Dickinson- crucially also there- has a very good mullet and exceptionally bad tattoos (delightful). It was the perfect way to fill time and was, I think, fairly compelling particularly the parts that focus on online sleuthing and (to a lesser extent), hacking, doxxing. Does anyone else remember being very obsessed with the first season of The OA? I tried to explain it to my none-the-wiser boyfriend, and all I could recall was a woman returning after being missing; Jason Isaacs is there; lots of strange interpretive movement and dancing.
Podcast:
Last year, after a period of prolonged boredom with all of my usual shows, I mainlined several narrative podcast series’ including Campside Media’s Noble, which focused on the discovery of more than 300 bodies on one property in the tiny town of Noble, Georgia (very good if not morbid- worth a listen). As a result, I keep being recommended other things produced by Campside, including We Came to the Forest, which I finished in a flash. A co-production between Wondery, Campside Media, and Tenderfoot TV, the seven-part series focuses on a murder within the protest movement in an Atlanta forest, as a community comes together to oppose the construction of a training facility referred to as "Cop City". It’s endlessly fascinating, and a harrowing look at the power that law enforcement hold particularly when it comes to hiding the truth and protecting their own.
Music:
Weirdly, my attention has been very 2012 focused; like everyone else, post-Superbowl I dipped into a deep Kendrick Lamar-shaped listening hole (‘good kid, m.A.A.d city’ really remains an all-timer), and A Murder at the End of the World’s use of Grimes’ ‘Genesis’ meant I (maybe ill-advisedly??) revisited her third record ‘Visions’ far more than anyone should in the year of our lord twenty five. Please chastise me for this when this song ranks highly in my end of year wrapped.
Reading:
I’m still finding any and every book a slog but the only time I am able to focus it seems is when on public transport; to that end, I mainlined Jen Calleja’s Goblinhood: Goblin as a Mode on a trip to and from London toward the end of the month. A collection of cultural essays and poems, Callejia uses a range of pop culture and her own experiences to address her theory of 'goblinhood', which at times it felt like it was downloaded from my brain (there's an entire section about Mimi Cave's Fresh starring Sebastian Stan). It’s exactly my favourite kind of non-fiction writing, merging cultural criticism and personal experience (see also: Philippa Snow’s Which As You Know Means Violence) and I very much recommend picking it up if you can.
Sat on this for two weeks and then remembered my commitment to keeping things up at least once a month. Classic. Hope your March is going well so far.