#31: demon time

I can pinpoint exactly when November became a difficult, thorny month for me and yet despite this, its continued ability to knock me on my ass still takes me by surprise. As I mentioned last time, I am not adverse to the tail-end of a year- even though months 11 and 12 are actively challenging- but November always feels especially tedious. I am always glad when it is over.

One of my intentions for the New Year is to be less melancholic and more pragmatic; optimistic instead of increasingly nihilistic, especially in what I’m sharing (or not sharing) via any attempts to write. This in and of itself feels like setting myself up to fail, but it is something I want to actively hold myself accountable for and broadcasting it here feels like the first step. If you catch me using this newsletter as nothing but a holistic brain dump next year, be sure to call me out. Tell me to write about movies instead.

I think I find it easy to overshare in text form because I have always blogged; I began writing online when I was 13, which means two-thirds of my life has now been spent (over)sharing every inner thought I have digitally in some capacity. It’s deranged to have to contemplate this. My most deplorable millennial trait is wistfully talking about “the old internet” like some y2k old timer, but I do long for a time when websites were functional, when going online felt like a potential path to discovery, and not an exercise in seeing how quickly you can come across a litany of hate speech or scroll past fourteen videos of someone getting their head blown off from fourteen different angles. I think being tethered to online digital spaces is actively bad for the soul; I know it has been detrimental to my own capacity to think and engage.

As well as brains, I have been thinking a lot about bodies. Not just my own; other peoples, and mine in relation to those. Candidly, I am never not worrying about what my body is doing; I think anyone with a chronic illness can relate to that. I have been thinking a lot about bodies because- for the first time in a while- I am increasingly aware that lots of bodies don’t look the same anymore, and that whatever attempt we had at encouraging “body positivity” culturally has seemingly been thrown out of the window. It’s very odd to be sailing through another bout of emaciated propaganda, thinness bound up with ~wellbeing~, perfection and the notion that just doing pilates and upping your protein intake can explain why everyone now looks three stone lighter. It isn’t my business, but it is making me feel like shit, and it does feel tethered to the wider political shift taking place right now. It was troubling to grow up through the 2000s, when diet culture was rife; I wince looking back at photos of celebrities we were conditioned to believe were “fat”, when it was simply that they were “normal”. If you managed to come out the other side of this without some kind of skewed perspective on your own flesh prison: congrats! Tell me how that is.

Not a day now passes where I don’t want to yeet my phone into the nearest bin to avoid a cacophony of this type of programming. It’s gauche to discuss any of it, I know, but I find it psychically troubling especially around the holidays. The way we occupy online spaces is performative, always has been performative, regardless of whether we’re famous or not; I have involved myself in performance, curation, sharing to garner a reaction. I have literally today posted a self-indulgent photo of myself on IG stories. I know full well that nothing is ever what it seems. But it’s weird, man! Does nobody else think it’s weird?

Merry Christmas, I guess. Here’s to not wasting hours on my phone in 2026.

(In November, I listened to 47 podcasts, watched 20 episodes of television, 14 films and listened to music by 134 different artists)

Five for November 2025:

• Film:

A few things I liked but in retrospect- after a month of stewing- maybe didn’t love as much as I’d initially thought: the new Yorgos (Bugonia), the new Lynne Ramsay (Die My Love). I finally watched Roofman, which was far more enjoyable than the trailer had lead me to believe (let Channing do physical comedy again!) and one of Richard Linklater’s new releases, Blue Moon, which I had zero expectations for but loved as an exercise in showcasing just why Ethan Hawke is so great (I’ve BEEN saying!). My favourite November release was Pillion, the Alexander Skarsgård and Harry Melling film about bikers and BDSM in the British suburbs. Far more tender than I’d envisaged, it has one of my favourite visual gags of the year: a brilliant use of Karl Ove Knausgård’s ‘My Struggle’.

• TV:

I really, really love Tim Robinson so I inevitably had a great time with the first season of his HBO dramedy, The Chair Company. I understand the aversion to his comedic stylings, but I am very into the surrealist loud noise of it all and felt like this show in particular balanced all of the things I like about both I Think You Should Leave and his other collaborations with writing partner Zach Kanin, another SNL alum. It’s so fucking weird, and I still have very little idea what was going on and yet: 5 stars.

• Music:

Saw the Springsteen film, and had a solid week of absolutely overplaying any and all of the Boss’s albums but especially ‘Nebraska’ and ‘Born to Run’. Rosalia’s new LP ‘Lux’ was as great as I’d hoped it would be, an artist whose musicianship truly continues to amaze me. Last year I fell into a deep Chat Pile hole, and I think ‘In the Earth Again’- their joint effort with guitarist Hayden Pedigo- is one of this year’s best, and one of this year’s biggest surprises given my initial skepticism when the project was announced. The final song, ‘A Tear For Lucas’ is an absolute gutpuncher.

• Podcasts:

“Satanic Panic” podcasts are few and far between at this stage, but CBC’s The Devil You Know was a genuinely insightful look at a variety of lives impacted by the hysteria felt worldwide in the 80s and 90s. I really enjoyed Sarah Marshall’s take on it and would implore anyone to give the series a go, even if you think it’s been covered to death elsewhere. It would also be remiss of me to not mention the episode of the excellent Chekhov’s Whatever I appeared on, in which Meg and I discussed Guillermo Del Toro’s adaptation of Frankenstein. I had a very lovely time sharing my Oscar Isaac and Jacob Elordi specific thoughts, and would love if you gave it a listen.

• Reading:

I finally finished a book(!)- Mark Ronson’s autobiog Night People, in which he recounts his rise up the ranks of DJing in NYC in the 90s and early 2000s. Given how frequently I shared photos of Ronson on my blog to illustrate my belief that he was one of the hottest man alive (still is?), I obviously adored it (& the playlist that goes with it).